Downfall
by eliana-moran
Summary: Draco's world doesn't work the way it should. Can Ginny be his savior? Will he be her downfall?
1. Unwell

A/N this is like my other songfics. each chapter is inspired and based on a matchbox twenty song.

Unwell

Ever since his father's arrest Draco Malfoy had been restless. He refused to see anyone, much less speak to them. He had a lot of thinking to do.

He couldn't remember the last time he had slept properly. He would lie on his back on his bed and stare at the ceiling. Occasionally he would drift off to sleep but he woke not long after, never sure if he had truly slept. Maybe he should get up. Maybe he should get dressed. Maybe he should go out and distract himself. Maybe he should do a lot of things.

Why was this happening to him? Was his father's absence really that important? It wasn't as if his father had ever truly cared for him, all he wanted was a suitable heir. Why did he suddenly feel as though his entire world was called into question? He felt like he was losing his mind. It was insane to question the Dark Lord, and wasn't that what he was doing? Wasn't he, for the first time in his life, trying to figure out how he _felt_ about something?

He had always done what was best for himself like a good Malfoy, a good Slytherin. He had always believed in blood purity, Malfoy superiority, and the power of money, but now he wasn't so sure. Now that he was finally free, for a time anyway, to think for himself and he was going to do so. He was going to figure out where _he_ stood on everything.

He knew no one was going to believe him capable of soul searching. He knew no one believed he had a soul. He knew.

When he got to King's Cross station September first everyone was watching him. No one he passed as he walked down the corridor of the train even tried to hide their staring. Did they all expect him to kill every Gryffindor he passed? Probably.

He knew what they were saying. He knew some thought he would be glad his father was in prison and would be ecstatic if the man died, leaving everything in his hands. He knew others believed he would swear revenge and go out for blood. He knew most were convinced he had taken his father's place in the death eaters.

He would never be a death eater, that was insane. Why follow a maniac in a doomed cause that will only end in death? But he would never belong with the rest of the world either. He didn't belong anywhere. He despised people and they way they looked at him. They made him feel like something was wrong with himself, like he was some sort of freak. Maybe he was, but he'd rather be a freak than a fucking moron.

None of them would ever take the time to look at him, to get to know him. No one would ever let him be himself.

Maybe he would disappear, leave the whole lot behind. Maybe he would leave this whole world behind and make a place himself somewhere, anywhere else.

He would have to disappear anyway. The death eaters would never let him live once he refused them and the bloody Order would never accept him. If he expected to survive the war his best bet was to just not be there one morning.

There were still so many questions swirling in his mind. He still had no clue what he believed or what he felt. _All_ he knew was that Voldemort was insane and his father was a lunatic, but they were people and their actions were _their_ actions. That was of little help to him in deciding how _he _viewed the world. Did it really matter, though? Whether he believed _anything_? After all, he planned on disappearing, didn't he? So what did it matter what his position on the war was?

He wondered if the other students would fear him even more now that he had become so reserved. He wondered if they would worry for his sanity. He almost smirked at the thought of convincing everyone he was mad.

He doubted they would even notice, though. They would probably decide that he was devoting his time to some dark mission or other.

He was so tired of rumours. He was so fed up with everyone thinking they knew everything. He was so sick of people thinking they knew _him._

He settled into a compartment at the end of the train, ignoring his prefect duties in the meeting at the front.

Should he continue to torture the other students just so people would leave him alone?

Why? He had no reason. He had no reason to cause anyone else pain. He had no reason to defend anyone. He had no reason to do anything.

Who cared where he stood on the blood purity or class distinction issues anymore? He didn't care if their blood was pure or their purse full, he had decided they were all the same, all the same and none worth the time or the pain.


	2. Angry

Angry

The first few weeks of school did nothing to improve Draco's mood. The looks and the rumours had not stopped. They hadn't even abated any.

After a fortnight, he was ready to stand up in the middle of the Great Hall and just scream at the top of his lungs. Every look he received made him more angry. Every whisper he heard made him more bitter.

There was one person, however, that refused to sink into the crowd of indistinct shadows as they passed each other in the hall. Unfortunately, it wasn't his girlfriend.

Yes, he was dating Pansy Parkinson. He couldn't really tell you why. Yes he could. She was there for him. He trusted her. She knew him and she knew him better than anyone else did. He relied on her. She disdainfully denied countless rumours for him. She distracted him when the glares and the speculation got to him. She knew better than to mention the name of Lucius anywhere near him. She never got mad when he vented his anger in her direction. More than that, she never gave him _reason_ to go off on her but she allowed him to vent anyway.

The only problem was _her_. The girl that just wouldn't behave like she was supposed to. She made eye contact with him in the hall and it wasn't menacing. She watched him from a distance and it wasn't critical or judgmental. She never winced or cringed when he glared at or insulted her. She simply replied with some witty, but not offensive, remark and went her way. If he didn't know better, he would be tempted to believe she was actually concerned for him, but that was impossible. She was, after all, a Gryffindor.

He had long since ceased to hope things would get better. No, he just got angrier. He knew that if he was going to move on with his life he really needed to get over this all encompassing rage, but that was easier said than done. He knew that he should just live, regardless of what anyone else thought or said. After all, the ashes that he would leave behind would be his and his alone. Shouldn't he live so that they would be worth more than the dust they became?

He wasn't making much process toward changing his attitude and had decided to take a walk on the grounds. That turned out to be a mistake. _She_ was there, leaning against the tree under which he had intended to take refuge. He didn't adjust his course. He didn't know what he was going to say when he got there, but he was fed up with letting other people effect the decisions he made.

As he approached she noticed him and began walking toward him. No, that couldn't be right. She had merely concluded what his destination was and would rather return to the castle than share the shade with him and the most direct path back led the way from which he had come.

As she approached him, he barely heard her say, "You have every right to be angry, but some rights are best observed when unexercised." As she passed, she finished with, "It gets inside you and tears you up."

He turned around and stared at her. "I'm not angry." What a lie. Worse, she knew it was a lie. How could she not? "Though I've never been above it." What was that supposed to mean?

She just kept walking.

He watched her until she disappeared into the castle. Speaking to her absence, he whispered, "You see through me, don't you?"


	3. Soul

Soul

Ginny didn't know what made her speak as she passed Draco on the grounds. It just seemed like something he needed to hear. She entered the castle and climbed to the third floor. There was a particular window she was headed for that had a perfect view of the tree she had just left, the tree he had been headed to.

She was impressed by the Slytherin. For all the obvious signs that he was torn up inside, no one saw a thing. To those around her, he was just as cold, just as confident, just as cruel as ever. She was apparently the only one who saw the anger, the confusion, and the withdrawal.

She felt bad for him. No one deserved to live like that, with his future completely mapped out by the world around him. It never occurred to her that she was in the same situation. She had grown used to her own life and had avoided looking too closely at it for some time. If someone had compared her to Draco she would have laughed. His life was obviously so much darker, so much more difficult than hers. How could they possibly have anything in common beyond the fact that they both drew breath and had beating hearts?

They both had the basic human needs of air, water, food, clothing, shelter, to love and to be loved in return, but that was where the similarities ended.

She knew she shouldn't be watching him. She knew she shouldn't be fascinated by him. She was dating Harry, after all, and it was just inappropriate for her to spend her afternoon staring at another boy, especially Draco. No matter how hard she tried, though, she couldn't help but find him intriguing.

He was so deep. There were so many layers to him. He was so misunderstood. Yet no matter how dark the world around him was, no matter how dark he found his own life, he never let on. He never _acted_ like anything bothered him.

She couldn't help but get to know him from a distance. She was sure he was someone else to break him from the inside. He was always so composed, but anyone who stopped to think would realize that there was always something tearing him apart.

She sighed. She had spent all her wishes wishing times were good, wishing there was something she could do for him, but she knew there was no room for that, not in either of their lives.

She watched him. It wasn't like he was doing anything. He was just sitting there. He could be sleeping for all she could tell. She sighed again and leaned her back against the window frame, closing her eyes. He had soul. That was all there was to it. He had a depth of soul most could only hope for, dream of. She desperately prayed that he would realize what that meant some day.

She pushed away from the window and went to find Harry. She wished that she could just sit around and wait for someone to come and make things good again, but that time had long past.


	4. Hand Me Down

Hand Me Down

Draco lay there under the tree, thinking. The redhead was with Potter now…finally. That was what he had heard anyway. It was about time that the git realized what was in front of him. He made what? Her fourth…fifth boyfriend in the past two years? She was more of a hand me down than the robes that she wore.

He didn't exactly mean that as an insult to _her_. No, he meant it more of an insult to the blokes she let take her out. They all tried to make her fit what they wanted and when that didn't work it all fell apart. Sure, she had pitched the first two, but the rest had left her.

He wondered if she had started trying to make things work and _that_ was why she had stuck around long enough to be left. He sighed. Even if she survived the Hogwart's dating world, when she got out there in the city and away from the protection of Gryffindor tower they would tear her apart.

They had already made her break out of her shell because _they_ wanted her to. Yes, he had been watching. From what he could tell, she had _liked_ being reserved. Something happened, though, her third year, and she had become bolder, more outspoken. He wondered if had anything to do _blokes_. He wondered if it was their interest that brought her out or if she had come out seeking their interest, whatever it was, he was pretty sure she had abandoned her shell because of _them_.

They were going to make her like their lies better than the truth, if they hadn't already. "Wear this, you'll sexy in it." For that matter, "Sexy is how you _want_ to look." Sure, sexy had its benefits, but so did serviceable, and comfortable, and reserved, and elegant, and refined, and so many other looks that were all sexier in the own way than just 'sexy.' They would tell her how to talk, how to walk, how to think.

He knew she would resist, she was strong, after all. He knew she would hold out longer than most, but everyone folded to that, didn't they? Look at him, he folded to public opinion didn't he? He let _their_ expectation shape his behaviour. How could he expect anything different for her?

He clenched his jaw. She would trust them, believe them when they said would call. She would blame herself. Yes, she was the type of girl that would be used and tossed aside. She was too good, too kind, too understanding. She would give more chances than they deserved and each betrayal would wound her deeper than the last.

It wasn't like he thought he could do much better. It wasn't like he wanted to. He had Pansy. If he was anything good, he was faithful. No, he just wished someone would try to give her what she actually needed. He wished he could take all her troubles away from her and protect her.

At that moment, his desire to care for her was born out of respect for the one true person he knew. He was false, that much was undeniable, and even _he_ couldn't overlook Pansy's duplicities, no matter how hard he tried.

Yes, someday the world would shake the redhead to her core and try to erase her. He hoped she would find an anchor by then.


	5. Last Beautiful Girl

Last Beautiful Girl Draco slowly pulled himself to his feet and made his way back to the school. He really needed to get _her_ off his mind. It was better than looking at his own life, but it was still depressing because he saw too many similarities and was too afraid that her road would lead to where he already was.

Pansy wasn't in their common room so he started walking the halls. He stopped when he heard noises coming from one of the abandoned classrooms. Well, if he couldn't be with his girlfriend, he might as well bust a few Hufflepuffs for snogging each other senseless.

He burst into the room and froze. He took a deep steadying breath while the occupants scrambled for their discarded articles of clothing. They had been doing more than snogging, not everything, mind, but they were headed there. He nodded his head in understanding and left.

Pansy ran out after him after getting dressed. "Draco wait!" she called.

He didn't stop but said without turning around, "It isn't like mine is the first heart you've broken."

"Draco please!"

He turned sharply. "I can't get back the days I spent with you but it isn't like you've ever promised me anything." His voice was cold.

"Draco, please!" she repeated, "I'm sorry it happened this way. I was going to tell you soon."

He eyebrows shot up and he crossed his arms. "Really? Well, please, tell me what you would have said!"

She squirmed uncomfortably. "I don't want to leave you alone, Draco. I still…I still need to be friends with you. I need to know that you'll be all right. Draco…" she took a step toward him but his eyebrows went up again and she stopped moving. She looked rather pathetic. "You know I'll always be here if you need to talk, if you have trouble keeping it together… Draco…"

He had started shaking his head. "Stop! Just stop! I was a fool to take you back. I knew what you were like. Remember? This happened before, a year and a half ago. I've gone without you before and I'll go without you now. Just…just know, Pansy, that _this_ time, I won't take you back if you're the last beautiful girl in the world."

He turned and walked away. He could hear her slump down the wall and start crying. Calling back over his shoulder, he said, "You're everybody else's girl, Pansy, you'll always be everybody else's girl."

Wonderful. He was alone again. After he had turned a few corners he slunk into his own abandoned classroom and fell into one the desks, bending his head over it. His eyes hurt. They stung. He had never cried and had no idea what it felt like, but he figured it had to be better than this horrible stinging behind the eyes.

He had _relied _on her. He had _trusted_ her. He had…face it, he had _loved_ her. He had taken her back hadn't he?

They had started dating early in their fourth year and by Christmas she had cheated on him. It had hurt. Regardless of what many people thought, he wasn't one to take girls lightly. If he dated a girl he fancied her, and if he fancied her it was real.

He had agreed to give her a second at the end of the last year. She had gone to him after his father had been arrested and been there for him. She had gone over to his house and sat downstairs when he refused to see her. She had sat there silently when he actually let her in his room. She had been there.

She wasn't there anymore. She never would be again. Not if she was the last beautiful girl.


	6. Rest Stop

Rest Stop

Ginny was sitting in the common room well past midnight, trying to finish some homework. Harry was asleep on the couch next to her. The others had gone to bed hours ago.

He stirred in his sleep and she looked over at him. She watched him for some time. The fire light flickered and danced off the lenses of his glasses where they had fallen from his face. She brushed some hair out of his eyes and he made a contented sound and readjusted again.

She swallowed hard and gently shook him awake. "Harry? Harry? Can you wake up?"

He sat up groggily. "Hm? What time is it? Are you going to bed now?" He blinked stupidly for a moment before reaching for his glasses. When he saw her face he woke up fully and looked at with concern written across his face. "Gin, what is it?"

"Look, Harry…I…I was watching you while you slept…" she started uneasily.

He settled so that he could see her better and listened carefully, clearly worried.

"And…and I was wondering what you were dreaming about." He nodded in encouragement. "Anyway, it…it occurred to me that…well, that I really didn't care."

His expression became rather confused, "Gin…" he tried to interrupt but she stopped him.

"Just…just let me finish. I figured that…hell…if it's over I'd better end it now or I'd lose my nerve. I mean, you're wonderful. You take of me, you listen fairly well, and you're always there when I need you, and if I didn't tell you how I feel right now I'd probably decide not to and…well…that wouldn't be good for either of us." She swallowed hard. "I don't mean to be cold…I really don't want to be cruel…I just…I just need _more_ than what's happening with you."

"More?" he asked in disbelief.

"I mean…you're comfortable, Harry, and I care about you, I really do…but I don't _love_ you. At least, at least not like I need to to make this work. It just…just _is_, Harry. I need…we both deserve…something that…well, something more. I'm sorry."

He just stared at her.

"I'm sorry Harry." She knew he was in shock and she really couldn't really blame him. She got up and quietly left the room, climbing the stairs to her dorm room.

She really did feel horrible for just dumping him like that, but it really was best for both of them. They deserved real love, passion, and everything that went with it. She knew there could be subtle love, quiet passion, but that wasn't what they had. What they had was just convenience, proximity, comfort, and it wasn't enough. It wasn't right.

She wondered what his reaction would be when he had time to adjust. She really didn't want to lose him as a friend, but she would understand if he wanted nothing to do with her. She wondered how her brother would react, probably more dramatically than Harry would even in private. She hoped Hermione would understand and help the boys understand.

She sighed. She wondered if things would ever work out for her.


	7. Burn

The Burn

Draco lay awake, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He had never felt so lonely before in all his life. He had never had a problem with loneliness. He had never had many friends but he had always been okay with that.

He thought about leaving and forgetting about graduation. He would be of age soon enough. He would be able to survive until then. But he couldn't get himself out of bed.

He laughed bitterly. Wouldn't all of Gryffindor tower love to see him now? In fact, anyone that had ever wanted to see him suffer should be standing by his bed right now just staring to their hearts content, because he was miserable.

There were tons of songs about this feeling, weren't there? He seemed to recall a general sentiment that if you sang it eased your heart ache, but he couldn't remember any of the words to any of the appropriate songs. He couldn't remember every single word to about fifty dance songs and sixty drinking songs, he even remembered one song about doing nothing at all, but he couldn't remember any songs about broken hearts.

He wanted to fall apart. He wanted to cry. Yes, Draco Malfoy wanted to lose control and cry himself to sleep, but he couldn't do it. Every muscle in his body was programmed to remain in strict control at all times. He couldn't help but take notice of the irony. He was so in control he couldn't _make_ himself lose control.

He wondered how lonely people did it. Neville Longbottom was certainly lonely, but he always seemed to be just fine, and Luna Lovegood, I mean, she was just about as alone as you got. People stole her stuff, for Merlin's sake, and she was as content as ever in her own little bizarre world. Even Theodore Nott, that kid had no friends whatsoever and he never had a problem. How did they do it? How did lonely people make a life for themselves and _still_ manage to shine?

He wondered if he would ever learn how to live in spite of the loneliness.

He made himself forget about Lucius. He had once relied upon the man for every thought in his head and he regretted it, hell did he regret it. He couldn't rely on anyone like that ever again. He had to think for himself. Unfortunately, that meant actually being an individual and individuals without friends feel lonely.

He made himself forget about Pansy. He had once relied upon the girl for every good thing he felt and he regretted it, hell did he regret it. He had never learned how to be satisfied with life as it was. He had never learned how to find his own entertainment. He had never learned how to make himself smile. He wondered if he would ever learn.

He tried to find a reason to learn. He tried to find a reason to change and to grow. His life was still in shatters and he wondered if he would ever be able to pick up the pieces.

He wondered how lonely people survived, much less lived.


	8. Busted

Busted

He finally fell into an uneasy sleep disturbed by strange dreams. He didn't know what time he drifted off or what time he woke up. He stared at his ceiling some more before getting up and still beat most of the school to breakfast. The only one he could remember the next morning occupied his thoughts most of the day. No matter how hard he tried to forget it he couldn't get it out of his head.

He had dreamt that the world was falling apart. He dreamt that all the buildings were falling down and the mountains were leveling. Everything was just disintegrating right before his eyes. That wasn't the weird part, though. The weird part was the fact that he had sat on his back porch and just watched. It was as though he didn't care. He just didn't care that everything was ending. He figured that was probably true.

However, the part that had him thinking all day was the fact that Ginny had been with him. They hadn't talked at all, they had just watched the world fall apart. They sat there in silence and watched everything disappear. She hadn't held his hand. He hadn't held her. They weren't touching and they didn't even look at each other. It almost felt as though they were there for completely different reasons. He couldn't tell whether they were watching _his_ world fall apart or _hers._ Were their worlds really the same after all?

He didn't know what it meant. He couldn't help but wonder, though. His world was definitely falling apart around him. Was she the only one who would be there for him? Was she the only one who _was_ there for him? Was he supposed to there for her? Did she _need_ someone? More importantly, did she _want_ someone? Didn't she have Potter?

He went through the day on auto-pilot. The most annoying part of the day was that he kept seeing _her._ He couldn't get away from her. He wanted to get away from her. He wanted her to stop crowding him.

He didn't really know what was happening. She kept making eye contact with him. Or did _he_ keep making eye contact with _her_? He wanted to scream at her that she didn't understand him and that she stop trying to.

When he heard that she had broken up with Potter, he couldn't help but smile. As he watched her after that, he realized how lonely she really was and he actually felt guilty for the smile. They were too cool to be lonely, people like them shouldn't be lonely. But they both were.

By the end of the day he had decided that one life just wasn't enough for him. He didn't do alone. He needed another soul to sustain him. He hated feeling that way. He hated being weak and that was how he saw it.

He felt like he was wearing his heart on his sleeve and that the whole world could see it. He knew she was the only one who did. He hated how the people they had become weren't the people they really were. He wanted her to know him, to really know him. He wanted to be someone other than who he was. He wanted her to own him.


	9. 3 AM

3 A.M.

Draco was walking the grounds a few days later. It was late in the evening and he was alone as had become usual. He still couldn't stop thinking about the redhead. There was something wrong with her. She had retreated back into her shell, but this time it didn't seem like that was the way she wanted it to be. He could tell something was bothering her but he couldn't figure out what.

Neither could he figure out when he had started caring so much about the little sprite. That he had was no longer a question. He wanted to be part of her life, but he couldn't figure out how to become so and settled for watching her from a distance.

He was jarred out of his thoughts when he heard a scream. It wasn't a scream of someone in trouble. It wasn't a scream of fright. It was a scream of frustration, a scream of pain. It lasted through three breaths and faded rather than stopped. It sounded like the voice of whoever it was just couldn't keep it up anymore.

He had been walking in the direction from which the scream had come and wasn't surprised to find a small redhead kneeling in the grass. She wasn't crying. She looked like she hurt too much to cry.

He didn't know what to say or do so he just stood there.

After a few moments she spoke. He couldn't barely catch her words. Why was it that she always spoke so softly he was never sure what he heard her properly?

"I can't help but be scared of it all some times, but the rain's going to wash it all away."

He was confused. He wasn't sure what she was talking about. "The rain?" he asked.

She looked at him. "Something will happen and everyone will forget what has us all so tense right now. Something will happen that will reset everything. We will start over. We will end up back here with everything tearing us apart. It just cycles through, like the rain." Her eyes were unsettling.

"What are you afraid of?" it was a stupid question and he knew it, but he asked it anyway.

She gave a sad smile. "Everything. I'm afraid of what will happen to us through the war. I'm afraid of what will happen to us through life. I'm afraid of pretty much everything."

"But the rain will wash it all away." He stated absently.

She nodded.

He continued to stand there and she continued to kneel. She was caught up in a life she was tired of. He could see that. She needed someone to walk through it all with her, someone who understood. They locked eyes and just stared at each other. She had a little bit of something, and he knew that was better than nothing, but she deserved more.

She turned her eyes to darkening sky "The moon doesn't hang as high as it did when I was a kid." She turned back to look at him again. His eyes held confusion as well as curiosity. "You know, I only sleep well when it's raining, when things are changing."

He brought his hands up and rubbed his face. It had stopped raining. Things had stopped changing. Or maybe things were changing so fast and so steadily that they needed to be the same for a while in order to be different. He didn't really know. All he knew was that she needed something and he wasn't sure what.


	10. Downfall

Downfall

When he opened his eyes again she was staring off away from him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't…I don't know why I've said…I'm sorry." Her voice was so far away.

"No, don't apologize." He sat down next to her. He wanted to say so much, but he wasn't sure how to say any of it. He wanted to know what she thought of him, but could he really just ask? "I…I would have asked if you hadn't spoken."

She looked at him curiously. "Why? Why would you care?" She grimaced when she realized it sounded harsher than she had intended.

He shrugged. "I've…been watching you, from a distance, for a while."

"I noticed. Why?" She turned to face him more directly.

"Why have you been watching me?" he asked a bit defensively. She looked down and was about to answer when he spoke again. "No…I'm sorry. I don't know, really. There's just something about you that has been troubling me."

She looked up sharply.

"Something that…I _want_ you to trouble me." He grimaced. "No, that doesn't make any sense." He clenched his jaw and swallowed before continuing. "Look, I don't really know how to explain myself. All I know is that ever since my father was arrested I've looked at the world differently. I've tried to figure out how _I_ think and feel about things. I know that every time I saw you, you seemed to be studying me. You seemed to understand. You seemed concerned."

He shifted his position. Her eyes were searching him and it was making him uncomfortable. "I just…somehow _knew_ you saw through me. I knew you could tell something was bothering me. You knew I was changing, or at least trying to. Then the comment you made about being angry…you were right. I know that I want you to believe in me. I know that I want you on my side."

Her eyes had grown wide and she stood. At first he thought she was going to walk away, but she just started pacing.

"Look, Draco…I…" she stopped pacing and faced him. "I…you fascinate me, yes, but…" she clenched her jaw and started pacing again. "I'm glad you're changing; I'm glad you're finding out who _you_ are. I'm sorry you've been through so much. I wish I could help, I really do, but…I…"

He stood and got in her way. Grabbing her wrists, he caught her eye. "I know we're both ashamed of being broken in, of really opening up to someone, and I know that we will both fight against it, but I want so much so bad…We both need someone. We both need to be understood. We both need so much! We've seen it, we've noticed it, we've been there for each other from a distance all year! You know I've always been with you, you _feel_ it! You know we need this! Give all that's within you! Gin…be my saviour." His last words trailed off quietly.

She had to break eye contact. The intensity with which he was pleading was more than she could stand. "You'll be my downfall," she whispered.

He half laughed. "You'll be my saviour and I'll be your downfall." He shook his head. "Gin…I want you to agree with me, please."

She looked up at him and found his eyes again. Looking at him accusingly, she said, "You aren't ready to change yet. You don't _want_ to change."


	11. So Sad So Lonely

So Sad So Lonely – Draco – 501

He stumbled back away from her at her words. "No…no…" he spoke bitterly, "how could I? I mean, I'm Malfoy! How could I possibly want to change?"

Her eyes flashed dangerously. "Open you eyes, Draco! I _want_ you to change! I _want_ to be your 'saviour' as you put it! Don't you _dare_ act like this is about your _name_ to me!" She was yelling at him. "You don't _want_ me! You don't _want_ to open up to me! You said so yourself!" She took a step closer to him. "You're _happy_ with me watching you from a distance, supporting you from a distance! Would you really let me close?"

She shook her head and stopped yelling. "The change I was talking about wasn't a change from cruel to kind, it was much deeper than that. You don't want to _want_ anyone. You've been there and you aren't ready to go back. It's in your eyes, Draco. You aren't ready to take care of yourself or take responsibility for yourself, that's what needs to change and that's what you are avoiding. You don't want me, you _need_ me, and not in a good way."

"That's right. I don't want nobody and _nobody_ don't want me!" Draco couldn't believe what was happening. "I certainly don't want _you_, do I? I'm incapable of wanting _you_. IF I DON'T WANT YOU, WHAT THE HELL WAS I ON ABOUT A MINUTE AGO?" He lost his temper.

She stared at him. He was breathing heavily and glaring at her. She opened her mouth like she was about to say something but closed it silently. She shook her head and moved to walk pass him.

He turned and started yelling at her back. "You wouldn't be able to take me anywhere, anyway, would you? I wouldn't fit in you _circus_ of a life!" She stopped walking and he could see her muscles tense. "You're wrong! I don't _need_ anyone else! I certainly don't need you! I've learned to love myself!" He was lying outright now, but what else was he supposed to do?

She was clenching and unclenching her fists.

"You think I'm so sad and so lonely but I always land on my feet! You think I'll be alone without you, but you're wrong! It isn't like I can't find someone to be with me, to love me! There isn't a hole that I can't fill!" He had no idea what he was saying. He was denying a lot of things she hadn't mentioned, lying about a lot of things she had not brought up.

"Besides!" he continued, "there are plenty of blokes lined up at the school to be there for you, aren't there?" Now he was getting cruel, but he couldn't stop himself. "I'm just one in the crowd of those disappointed because you get scared and run away!" He was going too far but he was still talking. He hated himself, but he was still talking. "I hope you get what you deserve!"


	12. Bed Of Lies

Bed of Lies

She turned around, eyes flashing. "I cannot sleep in a bed of lies!" she screamed. "You _don't_ want _me!_ You want me to cradle you! You want me to make it all okay! You don't want to face your fears! You don't want to deal with your pain! You just want me to make it go away!"

She took a step back toward him. "I CAN'T DO THAT!" Her eyes closed as she screamed.

"I'm so sick and tired of empty moments! I can't fake another hollow smile! Not when it's to someone who claims we're going to be honest and open with each other! I CANNOT WATCH YOU WASTE YOUR HEART BECAUSE YOU WON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT!" She had started to cry.

As she screamed, all the anger drained out of him. As he had yelled at _her_ he had recognized his own lies. Now, as she yelled at _him_ he was beginning to recognize truth.

"I don't want a life raft! I don't want to survive! I want to swim! I want to live! That's why I left Harry, because it was because it _was_! There wasn't a reason! I won't be used! I won't use _you_! Do you understand? I'm tired of surrendering to a life that I've given away!"

He took a step toward her. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how. He didn't know how because he knew it was his fault.

"We both have needs and they're just there! They're just a whisper away! We have to be ourselves before we can be part of someone else! You have to know yourself before you can help me! I have _be_ myself before I can help _you!_"

She spun in a circle. "Don't you think I feel the darkness? Don't you think I feel it closing in?"

She stepped toward him close enough that he could read her eyes again in the failing light. Her voice dropped and there was such pain in it. "I tried! I tried to be more than I am and I _can't_. I'm all that I'll ever be when _you_ look at me! When I felt your hands on mine…Don't go weak on my now." She was pleading with him. "Merlin knows, I need this…you…your support and understanding, in my life. I know it isn't much, not from a distance as it has been, but I cannot, _will_ not sleep in a bed of lies."

He still didn't know what to say. He thought he understood now. She'd rather be silent and distant friends than rely on each other in such a way that would weaken them both, keep them both from becoming who they could be. She would rather be alone than be someone else.

He couldn't say he agreed with her. He couldn't say that all, but he understood. His eyes were stinging again. He sighed and swallowed what felt like a ball of cotton the size of his fist and still couldn't find the strength to speak. He just nodded.

She closed her eyes and looked like her heart was breaking within her. Slowly, she turned and walked back up to the castle.


	13. Bright Lights

Bright Lights

Draco watched her disappear before beginning to walk again. He didn't agree with her at all. He was sure they could learn to be themselves together. He was sure they could help each other be honest. He was sure he could learn to deal with things with her by his side.

So why hadn't he said so? Why hadn't he spoken and tried to convince her?

Was that what that last look of pain on her face had been? Had she been hoping that he would do just that? Well, there are some things you can't see until it's too late, some things you can't change.

He turned to face the direction she had gone. She was returning to her life, to the world of bright lights and big eyes and loud voices. He hoped that if the bright lights didn't receive her she would turn around and come home.

When had he started thinking of himself as her home? Maybe a few minutes after he had started thinking of her as his.

He continued his walk. Who was going to save him when her love was gone? Who was going to save him if she wasn't there? How was he going to face all the things in the world that he was up against? He wondered if she would find something that was enough to keep her or if she would keep wandering, like he was apparently destined to do?

If only he had seen the truth in what she was saying earlier, but there were some things you _never_ saw until it was too late.

Well, he certainly had a hole in him _now_ that he wouldn't be able to fill. He now had a nice scar he'd be able to talk about. But who would he talk about it to?

He wondered if it would ever be the same. He wondered if they would be _able_ to watch each other as they had before they had spoken, support each other from a distance. He was sure they would watch each other, but he was also sure it would never be the same. He knew it would hurt every time he caught her eye. He knew she would hurt every time she caught his.

He hoped the bright lights would take her in. He hoped her friends would be her friends and accept her for who she really was. He hoped she found what she needed.

At the same time, he hoped they would refuse her. He hoped they would never understand her. He hoped she would let it all tear her down. He hoped she would need him enough to come home.

He turned around and faced the castle. By now she was inside. By now she was on her way to her tower. By now she was back in her life. He screamed after her, "FOR MERLIN'S SAKE TURN AROUND!"

He fell to his knees. His eyes stung so bad. He wanted tears to come just to sooth the stinging. He screamed at the top of his lungs as he had heard her scream earlier that evening.


	14. Feel

Feel

Draco had been right. Things were different. They still watched each other. Their eyes still met across the halls. There was just more pain in their depths.

The more time that past the more he believed that he should have stopped her that night. He should have reassured her that things would work. He should have convinced her to stay. The more he looked into her eyes the more he was sure that she had been hoping he would. That he had failed to understand her most important need until it was too late.

He thought about going up to her and talking to her and changing things, but he never did. He didn't know why, but he never did.

He caught her eyes as he accepted his diploma at graduation. That had been the last time they had seen each other. After a year and a half of painful glances, that was it.

Well, until he saw her in the city.

It had been four years since her own graduation, five years since the war had ended.

She was struggling. He could tell.

She had a job as a waitress at some diner on Diagon Alley. She had told him that. What she hadn't told him was that she was barely meeting her rent on a bad apartment and survived off of the free food she got at work.

They had run into each other at the book store. She treated it like a library.

They had talked for a while about nothing at all. They used an awful lot of words to say nothing. He took her out to dinner. He wanted to take her out to dinner once a week, but she wouldn't agree. He figured she was afraid it was charity. He was right.

He still cared about her. It broke his heart to see her the way she was. He didn't know where her family was or if they knew where she was. He didn't know what had brought her down so low, but he didn't like to see her there.

She always kept him at a distance. She couldn't let go of what had happened while they were at school. He couldn't blame her. They never spoke of it, but a line had been crossed and they could never go back. It was too late, there was too much to forget about.

They spent more and more time together, but she never let him buy her anything. Whenever they started to get close she would pull back. He was getting tired of their game. He was getting tired of never saying anything.

They were walking in a park one day and he couldn't take anymore. He turned to look at her and she stopped, waiting for him to speak. "I'm a wreck. I'm a mess. I'm a spot on the pavement." He decided to just say what he was thinking. "I'm tired and I'm alone and I'm no better off than I was in school. I make your soul tired, I see it every time I look in your eyes. Every time we're together you're more weary when we say goodbye than you were when we said hello. I'm tired of going in circles. We get close but we don't say anything and we always end up back where we started in the book store. I'm going to go around one more time, just one. I'm not asking for marriage! Hell! I'm not even asking for a girlfriend! I just want to know that you trust me. I just want a friend."

He started walking again. She didn't follow him. She just looked at his back. He turned around again. "How does it feel? Your life now? I'm only asking because I want to know how you _want_ to feel."

She started crying. He didn't think, he just went to her and wrapped his arms around her.

"You'll be my downfall," she whispered into his shoulder.

He smiled. "And you'll be my saviour."


	15. Argue

Argue

She started letting him pay for her dinner and buy her things, as long as he didn't overdo it. She still refused any help with her apartment or necessities of life. That was one of the things they argued about. He at least wanted to help her get a better job but she wouldn't use him as a reference for anything. She wanted to deserve whatever she got rather than getting it based on his name.

He thought she was being stubborn and proud. If she would just let him help a little things would be so much easier for her. She was letting her Weasley pride get in the way of accepting sincere help she genuinely deserved. She thought he was being overbearing and overprotective. He kept trying to convince her to do things his way. He was always worried about her when she was fine. He kept trying to change the way she did things.

They argued a lot, about a lot of things. They got along wonderfully and neither of them could figure out why they argued so much, but they did. Sometimes they didn't even know _what_ they were arguing about. Sometimes they just found themselves yelling at each other for no reason at all.

In the end, he would say whatever it would take to get her to stay, to keep her from walking away. She seemed too ready to give up. He seemed too desperate to hold on. She was too independent. He wanted more than he claimed. She was scared. He was impatient. She lived too much in the past and he forgot too easily.

For best friends, things didn't work out the way they wanted them to very often. There were times that he wanted to let her win and just let her go, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He loved her, and he knew she loved him. She was just scared. She was so scared of losing him. She never would tell him what had happened with her family and why she was alone. She was so scared of losing him that she kept trying to break up with him even though they never started dating.

The worst part was that they were starting to argue about the arguing. No matter what they were fighting about, it would dissolve into the fact that they were constantly fighting and she would try to convince him that things just weren't working.

He usually tried to feign ignorance, claiming that he didn't think it was as bad as she thought it was. He refused to give up on them. He just couldn't do it. He just couldn't let her go.

Finally, they had a big fight that topped them all. He had made the mistake of asking a bit too persistently what she was so afraid of. She refused to answer and said it was over. She said she couldn't take anymore and it was over and that was it. She didn't leave any room for him to talk her out of it. He would always want more and she wasn't able to give it.

His eyes stung. He hated it when his eyes stung.


	16. Girl Like That

Girl Like That

She had said she felt damn worthless when she was around him. She said that whenever she looked at him she felt guilty. She said just couldn't take disappointing him anymore.

His eyes stung for a week. He decided to go for a walk. He stopped in front of what had once been Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. The twins had been killed in the war. That much he knew. He also knew that Bill and Charlie both had families in countries too far away to be in much contact with. He still didn't know what had happened to everyone else in her life.

He continued his walk. He smiled ruefully as he walked. You would have thought his life would have made him bolder, but he felt like he was running away again. He felt like running away was all that he did. You would have thought that his life would have made him colder, but no. If anything, his feelings ran deeper and truer the more time passed. He had seen easier lives drive men to alcohol, but he had always abhorred the taste, so that wasn't really an option.

A week or so after she had refused to see him, he came across a rather interesting piece of information. He had been talking to a fellow student from Hogwart's about things past and he had happened to say, 'Yeah, it's a shame Weasley could never forgive his sister. When she broke up with Potter I bet she never imagined she was breaking up with all of Gryffindor tower.'

Well, that explained why she was alone. That also explained why she was so afraid of letting anyone close to her. Everyone she knew and loved had either walked away from her or been torn from her. With a girl like that, you gotta think any love at all is better than nothing. Why had he gone and pushed her? He had tried to reassure her that nothing was going on and that he didn't expect anything to go on, but that was what she had said made her feel damn worthless. Or was it that nothing was going on and she knew that he wished there was?

Why couldn't he have just been content with friends? Things might have become more over time, or they might not have, but either way, wasn't any love better than none?

He took to wandering at night. He always stayed out too late. He was never late for work, but he hardly slept anymore. He missed Ginny. She had come back into his life and he had pushed her away _again_. He certainly knew how to screw things up.

He kept thinking of the times that he had wrapped her in his arms as she cried. He kept thinking of all the times she had said she was scared of it all. He lost himself in his memories, hung up on everything about her. He had no idea how he was going to live without her. He had to find a way to get her back into his life.


	17. If You're Gone

If You're Gone

Draco decided he had to do something. He went to the diner she worked at and waited for her to come to his table. He didn't wait for her to find the words to respond to his presence, he just pulled her into the seat next to him and started talking.

"Look, last time we talked about whether or not you should let me back in your life I told you I wasn't asking for marriage. Well, I changed my mind." She tried to interrupt him but he stopped her. "Just hear me out, all right? I think I've already lost you, I think you're already gone, but I have to try, so just listen!" He turned in his seat a little so he was facing her more directly.

"I'm finally scared, now, Gin. I'm terrified of losing you for good. You once thought I was weak, maybe you still do, but I think you're wrong. I think it takes courage and strength to realize that you can't live without someone." She looked like she was about to cry but he tried to ignore that as he continued with his speech.

"You're hard to get over, Gin. When you're gone the room refuses to shine. If you're really gone, maybe it's time to come home. Maybe it's time you realized where you home really is. There's an aweful lot of breathing room in my life, but I can't seem to move. Nothing seems to work without you. I need you in my life, Gin. I need you."

He knelt before her, pushing his chair out of the way. Taking her hand in his own, he looked up her with pleading eyes. "If you're really gone, please come home. There's a little bit of something…me in everything…you. I love you, Gin. Please, come home." His eyes stung again. He was terrified she would say no.

She just stared at him. She had no idea how to respond. He had completely caught her off guard by coming here, and now he was asking her to marry him? Well, he had made a good point about it taking courage to admit you can't live without someone. She stopped trying to hold back the tears and they started flowing freely. If she agreed to marry him he'd be stuck with her, right? He wouldn't be _able_ to leave. Besides, if he really wanted to marry her…he was the only one that had never betrayed her.

She still couldn't speak. By the look in his eyes he was losing hope by the second. She didn't want to make him wait any longer, but she really couldn't make her mouth work. Struggling, she managed to move her head up and down.

The tears that had been stinging his eyes for years finally fell as he wrapped her in his arms. She had said yes. She had agreed to marry him. He was happy. For the first time that he could recall, he was truly happy. As her tears turned to laughter, he joined her. For the first time since she was a child, she was happy too.

* * *

fin 


End file.
